How Self Betrayal Keeps Us Stuck in Our Pain

I had never heard of the concept of “self-betrayal” until I read “How to Do the Work (Dr. Nicole LePera, 2021).”

That book shattered my beliefs about who I was and who I could blame for the pain of my past. And trust me — that was a good thing. I realized I had been my own worst enemy throughout my life, and I understood why I struggled to heal. To say the book was life-changing is an understatement.

So, what is self-betrayal?

Whenever we’re not our authentic selves, we betray ourselves. For instance:

• Holding back emotions

• Censoring ourselves

• Doing what we think others want us to do rather than following our own needs or desires

• Not setting boundaries

• Acting as if others aren’t mistreating us

• Looking to others for opinions, decisions, affirmation, or approval

(Ouch. I literally did that last one for a book I just completed. I couldn’t announce it until someone told me it was good! Oy…)

Through self-betrayal, we became our worst enemy, and by repeating the pattern of self-betrayal throughout our lives, we damaged ourselves and our potential in countless ways.

We set limits on ourselves that only we can undo.

This bears repeating: Only I can undo the limits I have imposed on myself throughout my life. I can’t blame anyone or anything else for whatever lack of progress I’m experiencing.

Only you can undo the limits you’ve imposed on yourself. We’ll get to the “how” in a bit.

How does self-betrayal show up?

• Procrastinating

• Doubting ourselves

• People pleasing

• Pretending we’re okay/happy/confident/successful

• Ignoring our own needs

• Stuffing our emotions

• Minimizing or diminishing our wants and desires

• Letting others mistreat us

• Denying our feelings

• Keeping silent or discounting our voice

• Doing things to harm ourselves

• Staying in toxic relationships

• Addiction (drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, TV, gambling, etc.)

• Clinging to bad habits that hold us back in our lives

• Avoiding getting help for mental health issues

Can you relate to a few of those? I’ve been guilty of Every. Single. One.

My focus in life was making sure people liked and accepted me. I took extraordinary measures to succeed and ignored my inner voice, begging me to do something different to avoid being hurt. Consequently, I was hurt a lot.

My new awareness of self-betrayal brought up some bad feelings because I understand betrayal on a deep level.

I’ve been betrayed repeatedly by people I trusted, and that pain is excruciating.

Trust is everything to me, so understanding that I have betrayed myself my whole life was like a knife to my heart. It hurt. Deeply. And I grieved for having done that to myself for so long.

If you’ve been betraying yourself, I encourage you to have some compassion, too, because it’s not your fault that you did that.

We developed this habit in childhood. We betrayed ourselves for love, affirmation, and approval from our parents, kids, and others. Additionally, the trauma in our childhood made us feel like we couldn’t speak up, ask for help, or have a voice. It made us feel ashamed, worthless, and unimportant. It made us feel self-hatred and inadequacy, and it made us turn against ourselves.

We betrayed ourselves to survive.

Our innate instincts to nurture ourselves can become corrupted due to trauma, neglect, or unfortunate life circumstances, and then self-betrayal becomes a pattern we repeat into adulthood.

To change our lives, to be truly happy, and to discover who we are, we must rebuild trust in ourselves and stop that cycle of self-betrayal.

It’s about beginning a new relationship with ourselves: loving ourselves and showing ourselves compassion for what we went through, including all of the choices our past selves made.

We must change the narrative, which takes time, persistence, and patience. It helps to aim for progress over perfection and take one step at a time on this journey of self-forgiveness and personal growth.

Here are a few ways that you can begin:

• Soothe yourself when you’re hurting rather than judging yourself

• Think and speak to yourself in ways that are encouraging and kind

• Comfort yourself when stressed rather than beating yourself up more

Imagine how you would support a best friend when they’re too hard on themselves. Then, starting now, think of yourself as your best friend.

Another way to rebuild trust is to keep small promises to yourself. For instance:

• Stop, close your eyes, and do deep breathing for one minute

• Take one minute to stop and listen to your thoughts, your body, and your feelings without judgment

• Open your eyes each morning, and no matter what you’re feeling, smile

• Give thanks for each day

The only rule is to keep it small — and implement one at a time — to help ensure follow-through.

It takes work to change the narrative, but your future self will thank you! You’ll have a new take on life because you chose to give yourself the attention you deserve.

I recently kept a huge promise to myself.

Shortly after my 50th birthday, I became acutely aware of my mortality. As a writer, I sit most of the day, and as you may have heard, “Sitting is the new smoking.” Being sedentary all day is awful for our bodies, and I wanted to do something about it.

I got a hydraulic desk to stand while I worked, but my lower back pain flared after 20 minutes. Then, a friend told me her roommate got an under-desk treadmill and loved it.

Merry Christmas to me!

The next test was to actually use it.

My not-so-little ambitious promise to myself was to wake up each morning and walk for 30 minutes on that treadmill while I listened to a podcast or educational audio of some kind. My follow-through was intermittent initially, but I am thrilled to tell you that that promise became a habit I’ve been doing for over 30 days now.

The bonus is that I’ve lost 10 lbs through that habit and by monitoring my calories. I am proud of myself for sticking with it, and I feel better about myself, too.

They are small promises, but the benefits are enormous. I believe in myself more, and because of other promises I’ve kept, I now trust in myself to protect myself. I trust myself to set boundaries when needed and say no without feeling guilty.

These are things I couldn’t do before.

I challenge you to start this journey in your own life by choosing one promise you will commit to keeping for yourself for the next 30 days. Whether waking up with gratitude each morning, writing in your journal at night, or taking one minute to listen to your body, my promise to you is a recognizable change in yourself at the end.

You can do it! I believe in you!